Dreams are not things that we find in sleep but things that make us cannot sleep. In pursuing our dreams we often face mockery, isolation, hatred, prejudice, or underestimation from others. But even when there are no obstacles as such, solitary is a loyal company to those in pursuit of their dreams.
After spending nearly a year writing my first novel in English, I find solitary my loyal company. I have begun to realize that I have been filling my days with unbearable solitude while juggling time to teach, study, and write. During the last 10 months, how many days have I spent in solitary? Countless.
On a fine day during the weekend, for example, I would spend the time working on my thesis or revising a chapter of my novel rather than soaking up the sun. At nights, I spent more hours sitting in front of a computer rather than talking to humans. Fortunately, teaching English to international students, a job I have been doing for nearly 4 years, has been a lot of fun. It has kept me sane.
You’re right. I’m not the only one in the world doing this. I’m just one of the millions of daydreamers whose dreams have kept us awake at nights. Yet I am a normal human being too. With the unbearable solitude I’ve been having plus the feeling of being faraway from my family in Indonesia, sometimes I feel like what I’ve been doing are just going to push me to the verge of madness.
But just when I thought that I wanted to stop, I found what Charles Bukowski said soothing:
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”
The quote drives me forward amidst my struggle to create a balanced life. Fortunately.
You have dreams too, don’t you? Do tell me yours. I’m all ears.